Disclaimer: This post no longer reflects the focus of this blog.
My constantly-running inner dialog is similar enough to the blogs I’m reading to reassure me that I can do this. I have to write for myself, and if it happens to help someone else that’s strictly a bonus.
I’m not nearly as smart or rational or independent as I once imagined myself. I’m grateful to bloggers who model for me how being human and imperfect can be assets.
It’s heart-breaking how many in the autism community are winning the battles of obtaining therapies but losing the war of integrating into society. As a casualty of this war, forced into early retirement due to inadequate social skills (I was avoiding my boss and co-workers) and poor emotional regulation (I could not get myself into the mood to work), I want to spare others my pain.
Why are we autistics drawn to our “own little worlds”? For me, it’s an altered state of consciousness achieved without drugs.
Consider a typical social interaction: (1) person A develops a desire to engage with person B, (2) A thinks about what B might like and plans how to engage B accordingly, (3) B responds favorably, (4) A and B spend time together until the mood passes and they disengage, (5) A and B feel good about having interacted, (6) A and B have established a relationship that may continue to develop.
My “own little world” provides a way to bypass steps (2) through (4) (which are effortful and risky) and create an alternate path to step (5), feeling good.
From reading blogs by neurotypical (NT) parents of autistic children, I’ve learned how NT’s proceed through steps (1) through (6). I want to provide a similarly detailed account of how I process my moods, and in doing to so provide insight into why autism is so difficult to navigate and hopefully clues to improve outcomes.